The Center for Disease Control in Atlanta today announced the identification of a new disease. Tentatively named Acquired Needlework Syndrome, the disease is highly infectious. Scientists at CDC say the disease is caused by a bacillus called staphloaiguille because its needle-like shape. Under the microscope, the bacillus is long and slender with a long narrow opening at one end, from which trail thread-like cilia.
Symptoms of the disease include feverish babbling of letters such as DMC, TW, PR, LOL, ROFL and talking about invisible friends such as Teresa, Laura, Paula, Robert, Karen, etc. At first sufferers appear to be taking an unusual interest in Verdi operas, while more advanced cases develop wanderlust, especially wishing to travel to Edinburgh, Dublin and Belfast. Other symptoms include feverish buying and storing of woven goods and printed pamphlets, and a “smoking” credit card.
The disease is especially dangerous because it cannot only be passed along directly from one infected individual to another, but documented cases have been found where the sufferer caught the disease from reading a magazine, attending a craft show, or chatting on internet forums.
The CDC says that while the disease is especially prevalent in North America, cases have been found in every country on the planet. Family members should be aware that while the disease may occasionally enter remission, it is at present — TOTALLY INCURABLE.
The patient should be given a quiet corner with a comfortable chair and good lighting. Interruptions should be minimized at all costs!